Writings

Last week I had some time to reflect on myself and I was thinking about the past 5 years of my life and how different I am from the person I was back then. The reason I was thinking about 5 years specifically was because that’s how long it’s been since I got my first big tattoo, and last week I was getting another. In 2019 I was working in my corporate engineering job, I was going through a difficult breakup from a long term relationship, and overall I was pretty angry and unhappy with where my life was. So, last week as I sat in the chair of a Brooklyn tattoo studio, I thought about who I was, and who I am now in the many hours I had to think while getting tattooed. It’s part of what I really like about getting tattooed, the time it forces you to just be physically still and think. As I reflected over the last 5 years it made me think of how people always ask, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. I think it’s almost impossible to answer, but as I was thinking and comparing my life then and now, one thought came to mind. For me, 5 years ago, I was doing a lot of pretending and acting like I thought people wanted me to. It’s hard to be happy when you are living your life thinking about how others want you to, and I think the biggest thing that has changed for me in the last 5 years is that I am choosing myself. I am choosing to act and live like I want to. I am trying to live more in alignment of what I want and really finding out what those things are. Getting tattooed is such a great example of this because you are permanently marking your body with something that you choose. I can’t think of anything more self expressive. Some people may like it, some people may hate it, but you make the decision to do it for yourself. 5 years ago when I got tattooed, I had an artist that I found online, and he was good at the style I wanted, but I remember kind of wanting more from the experience. He pretty much just took some reference photos I gave him and pasted them together in photoshop, and tattooed the stencils. The whole session he didn’t say much of anything and I even remember another artist in the shop even making a comment about how quiet we were. He finished in 2 sessions and I didn’t really think much of him after that. I can now articulate that what I was missing was the human connection part of it. So now, when I wanted to finish my arm and I was hesitant about going back to him. I even texted him, and he did respond saying he could get me in, but we went back and forth for a while with no dates, and it kind of seemed like I was bothering him. So I finally thought about what I really wanted and I didn’t want this person to tattoo me again. After doing a lot of research I found this one guy that I resonated with. I really liked his work, and more importantly I watched interviews and a podcast he was on, and I really liked him as a person and his energy. I thought, I want someone who I really like to tattoo me. It’s like when your mom cooks you dinner, it just taste better because she made it with love for you. I wanted my tattoo to be made with love. So I reached out to this artist’s assistant and everything was professional, and I got in his books. I sent him a few references of some sea animals I wanted to get done and a picture of my arm. The day of my appointment, I was waiting on the couch in the front of the shop and he walked in a few minutes after me. The first thing he said was “we need to pick a main character” and I knew immediately this was the right guy. I could tell that he had spent time thinking about me and my tattoo design before he even walked in there and then we spent 4 hours working together to come up with the design. It was a very collaborative process, and I really felt like he took what I wanted and just made it come to life better than I could have imagined. Before we even started tattooing he just set me up in his chair and looked at my arm, just moving it back and forth, inspecting it. He did this for a while until he had an idea that he shared with me and we were equally excited about. He then started hand drawing the design onto my arm. The way that he made me feel taken care of really let me trust the mess of Sharpy squiggles he used as a stencil, so when he got the gun out I didn’t have any doubts the tattoo would be great. I think really what helped to contribute to me having such an amazing experience, is knowing what I wanted and putting that energy out there. One thing I am proud of is being able to more authentically be myself and to articulate more of what I want. I think the more I have been able to do that, the more I am drawn to people who I really connect with, and who inspire me. So where do I want to be in the next 5 years? I want to continue to be more of my authentic self and follow my intuition and do the things that bring me joy, and I think the rest will fall into place. I don’t think that I need to have specific goals or however many step