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People Pleasing Silences Your Authentic Voice
Unpacking the Roots, Risks, and Recovery from People Pleasing And Learning to Reclaim Your Authentic Voice.
Why People Pleasing Is Holding You Back
In this episode of Working Towards Our Purpose, we explore a topic that resonates deeply with many, including myself. People pleasing. This habit can suppress your authentic voice by prioritizing others’ approval over our own truth. If you’ve ever left a conversation wishing you’d spoken up or done something for someone else that you didn’t really want to, then you know far too well the cost of people pleasing. Let’s unpack this and find ways to stop people pleasing.
Understanding People Pleasing
People pleasing at its core, means trying to predict and accommodate others’ needs, which is often based on assumptions, while setting aside our own opinions or desires. It’s more than simply being empathetic or considerate; it’s a pattern of acting how you think others want you to, sometimes before they even ask, and often at the expense of your own authenticity.
This behavior can exist at every scale, from daily conversations to major life choices. Choosing a career to fit in, going along with group decisions, or tailoring what you say to avoid rejection, these are all forms of people pleasing. The result? Not following your own voice or desires, and not being authentic to who you are.
Why Is People Pleasing Harmful?
One pitfall from people pleasing, is resentment. When you bend over backwards based on what you think others expect, you don’t do what you feel is right, you often do what the other person believes. This can leave you holding resentment towards that person because you didn’t get to act in a way that was authentic to you.
But more than that it leads to a deeper emotional cost: a loss of your true self. I believe people pleasing is fundamentally stemmed from doubting your own thoughts and ideas. The driving fear, of not being good enough as you are. Over time, you get used to hiding your opinions, suppressing your voice, and feeling disconnected from your values.
A Real-Life Example: Corporate Lunchtime
I’ll recall a memory from my corporate days to further explain what people pleasing can look like. I started my second big job in corporate and was trying to fit in. I found myself going along with my group’s norms that had been established before I got there. They would all take lunch together, often longer than our allowed break time and have conversations about topics I knew nothing about. But yet I continued to join them each day because I didn’t want to disappoint them. I was going against what I believed; spending too much time at lunch and pretending to care about things I didn’t like, only to fit in and be liked.
This story serves as a reminder that people pleasing isn’t simply about being nice. It means living in ways that doesn’t align with your values only to avoid rejection or disapproval.
Reclaiming Your Voice: 3 Steps to Stop People Pleasing
The antidote to people pleasing? Listening to your own voice. But how do you stop people pleasing? Here are 3 strategies that have helped me:
Setting Boundaries: Define what matters to you before entering social situations. For example, decide before getting into a social situation what you believe, so you’re less likely to be swayed by peer pressure in the moment. Being proactive strengthens your resolve.
Exposure Therapy: Practicing “No”: Start small with saying no, perhaps over text if in-person feels too daunting. Gradually build your confidence up in declining requests or expressing disagreement. Practice not needing to be liked by everything you say and do.
Remind Yourself: Likeability ≠ Worth: Remember that others’ approval, or lack thereof, isn’t a verdict on your value. Not everyone has to agree with you. In fact it’s normal to disagree, we are all different and unique. The truest relationships allow for this difference without diminishing worth.
Breaking A Habit Takes Time
Even if you still feel the pull of this old people pleasing habit, making small changes can help you reclaim your voice. It’s not about never pleasing others, but about centering your own truth, values, and needs. Practice checking in with yourself first, reminding yourself of your worth, and remembering you are allowed to be different. Each step is a step towards living more authentically.
This article was written with the help of AI (castmagic) but reviewed and edited by a human being.