The past few Monday’s have not been very productive for me. It’s got me frustrated enough to try and figure out why it keeps happening and to try and do something about it.
I work my part time job Friday thru Sunday so usually Monday’s are my first day back to my self employed start of the week. The past 2 or 3 Monday’s were basically me just thinking about all the things that I need to get done, and being frozen with indecision. Leaving me with just as many things to get done on Tuesday. It’s extremely frustrating and put’s me in a pretty bad mood to start my week. So, today as I write, I was really thinking about why I was paralyzed with overwhelm. I was also thinking about how I was being hard on myself for being paralyzed with overwhelm.
I asked the question, why is it so bad to not be productive? Why am I afraid of not being productive? It then led me to the question of why do I want to be productive? Is this really something to beat myself up for. Is it really that bad to not be productive all the time? Okay, hopefully you’re still with me, I swear I’m getting to a point.
Part of me still values that workaholic part of myself. You could call it my old corporate mindset. The old me would work a 40hr corporate job, and then get home and work my side job until bedtime. Then wake up early, do a few hours of my side job work before I started it all over again. So when I was questioning why I was still valuing that “work all hours of the day” mentality, I started to have some empathy for that old version of myself. The part of me that values working really hard for something, because that mindset got me to where I am today. So, in a way I’m grateful for that workaholic part of me. It allowed me to work a full time engineering job and build a side business that allowed me to eventually quit that corporate job. It really launched me into getting me out of that lifestyle I no longer wanted to be a part of. But it also wasn’t sustainable, and that’s when it hit me.
“Being productive isn’t the goal. Being happy, present, and enjoying the journey is. Being sustainable at the work that I enjoy doing is my goal.”
Being a workaholic, at least for me, wasn’t sustainable long term. And most importantly, isn’t really enjoyable. When I was living as a workaholic, maybe I was being productive but there were plenty of down sides to living like that. I neglected my relationships, was always stressed out and on edge, and definitely didn’t pay attention to my mental health.
I also think it’s important for me to recognize that I can be that person if I need to be. I am someone who can push and really work hard on something and see it through when it’s necessary but I don’t or can’t be like that all the time. I think part of feeling “not productive” is the shame of being lazy, and comparing myself to others who are “doing more than me”. Although I know it’s never good to compare yourself to others, it can be hard to avoid sometimes.
So thinking about all of this has helped me reframe and understand more of my feelings of sometimes wanting to be a workaholic. Because at one point that served me. But it doesn’t anymore. I think being able to acknowledge that, is helping me in letting go of the shame of not being productive.
The biggest realization is that I am choosing now, to not live that way. To live more in alignment with my energies and inspirations in the moment. To be more present and enjoy the path I’m on, not just hold my breath and wait for the destination. I’m choosing all of these things and letting go of the need to be “more productive”.
I have also seen that when I am not hard on myself, some of my best ideas pop into my head or some of the best connections I make with other people happen. Creating space for things to happen naturally instead of forcing something, has been helpful in allowing things to take shape in a way I didn’t initially see. Letting go of the idea that I have it all figured out and trying to be more open to possibilities.